It’s not dysentery, folks. It’s a flu-like virus. Gastrointestinal problems are rarely even associated with COVID-19.

So why the run on toilet paper?

In a weekend piece headlined, “Is There Really A Toilet Paper Shortage?” The New York Times reported that toilet tissue is scarce, but it shouldn’t be.

What’s happened is that all of our panic has focused into a single irrational fear: We won’t have enough toilet paper to get us through the coronavirus crisis.

Apparently having piles of white fluffy rolls stacked all around the house is a comfort to some.

“You are not using more of it. You are just filling up your closet with it,” Jeff Anderson, president of Precision Paper Converters, a paper product manufacturer with 65 employees outside Green Bay, Wis. told The Times.  “What happens in the summer when demand dries up and people have all this extra product in their homes?”

TP manufacturers say they’re ramping up production a bit. But not much. They don’t want to be stuck with a glut once the emergency is over and Americans find they have enough rolls to last until 2024.

My supermarket is limiting purchases. No need, though. There simply isn’t any paper on the shelves. In fact, ever since I counted our rolls and realized we needed a few more, there have been tumbleweeds blowing down the paper aisle.

When I mentioned that my son’s bathroom is chronically low on paper, my niece - with four brothers - knew exactly what was happening.

“He’s baseball mitting it,” she said, demonstrating a technique that involves wrapping the entire hand in paper.

That explains everything.

Those of us in hurricane alley have seen these insane shortages before. In advance of every storm, TP, bread and water disappear. Fear is as contagious as a virus. Folks see supplies of toilet paper dwindling and want to make sure they get theirs.

Even if it means no one else in town can squeeze the Charmin.

Human nature, I suppose.

But we’re here to help.

Ever since the first anniversary of Kerry: Unemployed & Unedited our team has wanted to find a way to thank readers for coming to the site.

A free 75-inch TV, perhaps. Or a trip to Hawaii. Shoot, a handsome toaster.

No, no and no. This is a shoe-string operation. 

Suddenly, we have something better. Something more valuable than a trip or a TV or a way to heat your bagels. Something rare and wonderful. Something that will make you the envy of your neighborhood.

One lucky visitor to kerrydougherty.com this week will get ONE MILE OF TOILET PAPER.

Yep, you read that correctly. ONE MILE OF TOILET TISSUE.

Four jumbo rolls of industrial strength TP, each measuring 1,400 feet. That means you get a mile, plus 320 extra feet to drape in your neighbor’s trees, just to make ‘em jealous.

This is restaurant quality, single-ply paper, which, as my friend Dave says, has “All the absorbency of a hoagie wrapper.”

Hey, it’s better than nothing. 

On Friday, two of my best friends - foodies - were at a restaurant supply store. They texted to ask if there was anything I needed for the coming apocalypse. They know I don’t cook.

Toilet paper? I asked timidly.

Boy, did they come through. They bought me a box containing wagon wheel-sized rolls that won’t begin to fit on an ordinary bathroom spool. However, a traffic cone would work.

I took one look at my bounty and decided to spread the wealth. I’m going to offer one to my neighbor who - according to a Facebook post - has resorted to paper Christmas napkins in her powder room.

I figure I’ll keep one for myself. And give one to my pals who hauled it home.

What to do with the others?

Hey, no one deserves this new coin of the realm more than a visitor to our website. 

To have a chance to win ONE MILE OF TOILET PAPER all you have to do is leave a comment on this post, one of our Facebook pages or my Instagram account. 

The deadline for comments ends Friday at midnight EST. We’ll use a random generator to select the winner who will be announced Saturday at noon.

If the winner lives within 50 miles of Virginia Beach we’ll deliver the rolls personally by tossing them on your porch and waving from a socially responsible distance.

If the winner is outside of our area, the rolls will go by snail mail. So don’t go crazy. Use your own stash prudently.

Good luck. And remember, don’t baseball mitt the TP.

*Employees of the website and their families may not apply. Especially the millennials who may not have been taking this thing seriously. Or the Germans who are known for their rapacious use of TP. Or the classy Irish who sometimes get drunk and use toilet tissue as beer coozies.

**All mathematical calculations on the rolls were done by a man we’ll call Matt. Kerrydougherty.com is run by former English majors and is not responsible for any errors.