HE SAID:

“...because here at Sellingstuff.com, nothing is more important to us than your health and well-being.”

***

Aaarrrghh!  Enough already!!

Kerry, I just opened my 5,438th email in which some merchant I once bought $14 worth of goods from is trying to convince me that “nothing is more important to them” except that I continue to breathe. And hopefully, keep buying stuff — tho they never really say that second part out loud.

I swear that the only person still working in America today is some lonely public relations drone who spends 18 hours a day churning out press releases weeping about how my “health and well-being” is the most important thing on earth to whoever paid them 11 cents to send me that email. 

Some of them are based in Bangladesh for all I know.

Really, Kerry, don’t we have enough to worry about right now — like finding chicken and toilet paper — without having to wade through all this false concern from some online merchant who once sold me a flannel shirt or a hammer?  I even got one from the guys across town who change my oil.

It’s burst into TV advertising, too, where peppy theme songs have been replaced by funeral dirges and videos of sheep in the meadow, and some voiceover artist whispering that my “health and well-being” is the ... well, like I said above.

My favorite is a Lexus ad that, roughly paraphrased, soothingly assures us that, “Here at Lexus, we’re not in the ’car’ business, we’re in the ‘people’ business.”  

No! No, no, no!  If I’m looking for people, I don’t go looking for them in a Lexus showroom. You’re in the CAR business, Lexus, just like you were last month! Stop with the Mother Teresa routine. You sell $80,000 luxury vehicles, not prayer beads. Sorry you got caught trying to sell them in a time of plague. Deal with it.

Worse yet is the one from my bank, who tried to assure me that my “health and well-being” is their No. 1 concern.  

No! NO! NO! NO! You’re a freakin’ BANK! Your No. 1 concern is MONEY, or at least it should be! Specifically, MY money, and my 401(k), and my investment portfolio, all of which you’re sitting on.  

Please, Mr. Monopoly Top Hat Guy, you worry about taking the temperature on Wall Street, I’ll worry about taking the temperature on my forehead!  OK?

SHE SAID:

I hear ya, Dave. And with all this time on my hands, I’ve developed a few pet peeves of my own.

What’s truly out of control are all of the “encouraging” messages from celebrities who aren’t wearing makeup. You can’t go on the internet without some vaguely familiar bespectacled star reminding you that they, too, are suffering, lest we feel sorry for ourselves.

Would it kill them to at least brush their hair?

This is their sacrifice, apparently. Without their stylists they can’t find their lipstick, concealer or combs and they want us to see they are just like us. 

You’re online a lot, Dave, I’m sure you’ve caught that truly awful montage of stars - some are absolutely unrecognizable without their warpaint - warbling an off-key version of John Lennon’s “Imagine.”

Yup, just what America needs: A choir of millionaires harmonizing from their mansions about how wonderful it would be to live in a world without “possessions.” Actually, some of us are finding that out right now when we peek at our investments. It’s not so great.

 Worse, lyrics about a world with no religion. No heaven above us...only sky. 

Thanks for that, oh, enlightened ones.

Never missing an opportunity to show how down-to-earth she is, Madonna posted a video of herself in a bathtub full of rose petals: 

““The thing about COVID-19,” she cooed, “it doesn’t care about how rich you are, how famous you are, how funny you are, how smart you are…It’s the great equalizer.”

Do you keep a pail of petals in your bathroom, Dave, in case you feel the need to send an uplifting video to your admirers? 

Sheesh.

Then there was David Geffen, the film studio honcho worth an estimated $8 billion. He posted photos of his 454-foot yacht - The Rising Sun - to Instagram with this warm message for the little people: “Isolated in the Grenadines avoiding the virus. Hope everyone is safe.”

The backlash was so swift he deleted his account.

Last night I got this alert from “The View”: “Kim Kardashian West joins us from Los Angeles to discuss how her family is managing while social distancing.”

Seriously? A quick Google search shows that Kim and Kanye’s kottage measures 15,600 square feet. How hard is it to isolate in THAT?

I do hope they’re managing, though. Thoughts and prayers.

Speaking of mansions. It might also be nice if those who live in suburban splendor stopped blasting reminders to others on social media to stay home and watch Netflix. Especially when posting from a vacation retreat.

Before ordering others to be as brave as you, spare a thought for those who live in relatively cramped mobile or manufactured homes - there are almost 18 million Americans who do, including some of my kin. Now try to imagine spending 24/7 in a small space with four kids. 

For many, staying home is not all white wine and romcoms.

To the tone deaf out there - whether it’s singing or simply scolding the hoi polloi - we feel your pain and you’re making ours worse.