Sitting down, Virginia? 

Big news! Especially for night owls.

Beginning Monday, we will be allowed to stay out past midnight, thanks to the benevolence of our beloved Governor, Ralph Northam.

His Excellency announced yesterday that he has decided to lift our 12 to 5 a.m. curfew, the one based on the Northam family credo that “nothing good happens after midnight.” 

Thank you, dear leader.

Best of all, he is magnanimously allowing us to consume alcohol AFTER 10 PM! Yes, you read that correctly. No longer will waiters be prying drinks from our greedy hands on the stroke of 10. We now have Northam’s permission to drink until midnight! This, despite data that once showed the Covid-19 virus could tell time and was prone to attack at 10:01. Apparently that virus has mutated into a form that infects only people imbibing after midnight. Lucky us!

Oh, and thanks to the kindness of the governor, we may now gather outdoors in groups of 25, up from 10. Again, this is based on very sciency stuff that the governor has not shared with his subjects because we wouldn’t understand.

We must trust him. After all, he’s a doctor. 

Here’s some more terrific news: On May 1, the Rajah of Richmond will allow overnight camps to reopen, as long as everyone over the age of 5 is - you guessed it - wearing a mask. 

What fun! Color wars, canoe races and campfires, with masks on! Again, there’s some load of secret science somewhere that supports this, I’m sure.

To see how well the governor’s crackdown on our liberties worked, check out this chart from the Virginia Department of Health. His Lordship’s non-ironically named “Commonsense Surge Restrictions” Executive Order Number 72 took effect on December 14.

As you can see, there was a big fat spike in cases for weeks after Northam’s arbitrary rules that treated Virginians like naughty children went into effect.

Of course, that steep drop in cases was unrelated to his rules and was too early to be the result of vaccinations. After all, Virginia’s rollout was a massive clusterfart.

It’s worth noting that almost every other state and the District of Columbia followed a similar pattern of cases spiking and plummeting.

Here’s yesterday’s chart from The New York Times:

Yep, it was the same everywhere: In states with mask mandates and states without mask mandates. In states where folks were allowed to stay out late and states where the governors ordered everyone indoors after dark. States with indoor dining. And states without it. States that allowed large crowds at sporting events and states like Virginia where sports were played in empty field houses and stadiums.

It’s almost as if royal restrictions don’t do anything and ought to be scrapped immediately.