Mega Millions And Me

Consider this a warning.

If I win the $1.6 billion Mega Millions lottery tonight - and I have a really good feeling about it  - this will be my final post.

Sorry. But this website is freaking time-consuming. And life is short when you have more than $900 million in your checking account.

I promise you I won’t be one of those lottery winners who accepts the check and immediately declares that she’s going back to her job at the chicken plant in the morning.

“Debeaking chickens is my life. I’m not going to let this money change me!”

Nope. There will be plenty of changes for this girl.

First, think about just how much money this is. CNN reports that tonight’s drawing will be the largest in US history and that the winner will take home $904 million.

By comparison, CNN says, Taylor Swift is worth $300 million.

Think about it, I could literally buy Tay Tay with my loot.

But I won’t.

Here’s what I will do: First thing Wednesday morning I will announce the endowment of the Kerry Dougherty Chair in Sarcastic Writing at my alma mater.

They’ll happily accept my gift, too. After all, this is a college that - according to legend - offered Esperanto as a foreign language for decades due to a weird wrinkle in some eccentric alum’s bequest to the school.

Teach the zany, artificial international language of peace or no dough, this guy said in his last will and testament. And the college did just that. Thus enabling language desperadoes like me to earn bachelor’s degrees.

Speaking of higher education. There will be a hefty donation to the athletic department at my daughter's university, Ole Miss. Large enough to get me sideline passes for all SEC football home games.

Wait. Sideline passes? What am I saying. I want a luxury box. On the 50-yard line. Right next to Archie Manning’s.

Next, I’ll buy a private jet. No more shoeless shuffling through security lines for me. No more flying coach like an airborne anchovy. No more microscopic bags of stale peanuts.

After that, there will be million dollar no-strings-attached donations to each of the good government candidates running for City Council in Virginia Beach.

Let’s see the builders and Bay Colony millionaires match that.

And there’s more.

I’ll have something special for you, dear readers: Cash awards for everyone who’s ever emailed me. Even if it was to say you hoped a pit bull would gnaw off my head.

Oh, and much larger gifts to everyone who subscribes to the website.

As long as they sign up before midnight tonight.

The gray Add-Me-To-The-List! button is right there on the home page. What are you waiting for?