Left-Lane Laggards Getting Slapped With Fines

Here’s some excellent news to close out the week: Thousands of drivers in Virginia have been slapped with fines for driving too slowly in the left lane. 

Hallelujah.

Now get back in the slow lanes and out of our way.

For many years the commonwealth had a “failure to keep to the right” law. But it wasn’t until July 1, 2017 that lawmakers finally put some teeth into it by attaching fines. Initially, the amount was $250, but our soft-hearted then-governor thought that was too high.

Apparently Terry McAuliffe has lots of friends who snail along on the highways. So the fine dropped to 100 bucks. 

Sigh.

On the day that the new punishment went into effect I wrote a column about these terrible drivers. 

They’ve been called left-lane laggards.

Left-lane dawdlers.

And left-lane bandits.

I prefer a different moniker: Parade makers. 

You know, those dim-witted drivers who seem to think the scenery is better when observed from the left lane. That’s where they mindlessly tool along, oblivious to the exasperated motorists rudely gesturing at them while passing on the right. 

Of course, the law-abiding refuse to use the right lane to pass, so those drivers are forced to join the sad caravan behind the slowpoke — a pitiful parade — where fuming motorists tailgate, blow their horns and become consumed with road rage.

Either way, a dicey situation. Ripe for crashes.

Maybe it’s my imagination, but I have, on occasion, detected evil smiles on the faces of these selfish left-lane addicts, creeping along in their cruise-controlled cars doing the precise speed limit. In their twisted little minds, they seem to believe they are one-person speed limit enforcers.

News flash: Everyone knows speeding is illegal. Now get back in the right lane where you belong and mind your own business.

It is not the job of civilians to enforce traffic laws. We have cops and state troopers for that.

Stay to the right and let the drivers in the left lane risk a ticket. If it makes you feel better, you are free to gloat — or blow kisses — as you pass the speed demons a few miles down the road, handing over their licenses and registrations to a uniformed officer.

Now that these slowpokes have been put on notice that their shenanigans in the left lane will no longer be tolerated, its time to crack down on other annoying motorists.

Those who drive for miles with their turn signals on, for instance. Shouldn’t that sort of traffic torture result in at least a $500 fine?

And what about drivers who cruise around with designer dogs on their laps? These dopes should be hit with $1,000 fines. Dogs can’t drive. They should keep their tiny paws off the steering wheel.

Frankly, there ought to be mandatory jail time for drivers who run out of gas in the tunnels. It happens all the time and can lead to gothic summertime traffic jams in our little cul-de-sac by the sea.

Oh, and what about those people who get into their parked cars, start the engines and then check their phones or have a snack while others are waiting for their parking spot? 

During especially hectic times - I’m thinking the Fourth of July at the Oceanfront - this ought to be a capital offense. 

You with me? Let’s start lobbying.