Here’s A Tip: Learn To Do Math

I love the aroma of seafood. Smells like money to me.

I worked as a waitress after high school to save for college. And I spent my first day on the job following around a grumpy server who’d spent decades in a hairnet, support hose and a white polyester uniform, slinging seafood to sunburned tourists at the Jersey Shore.

“You take this table,” she finally growled, as three well-dressed middle-aged women plopped down at one of her primo window tables overlooking Barnegat Bay. “Ladies are lousy tippers. They’ll probably stiff you. Don’t take it personal.”

She was right. They were cheapskates. And I vowed that whenever I was sitting at a table rather than serving at one, I’d be generous.

And I am. If the service, is good, that is. Make me wait an interminable period for a salad, mix up my order or leave dirty dishes on my table long after I’m finished and you’ll know just how unhappy I am when you see your tip.

That’s the amazing thing about waitressing. You get a job performance review with every table.

Deliver everything while it’s hot and tasty, keep the drinks flowing and discreetly whisk away dirty plates and your tip should be fat. But if a person at your table finds something like a used Band-Aid in his cole slaw, well, you can kiss your tip goodbye.

Don’t ask me how I know. I just do.

I’ve been thinking about tipping ever since Monday when Washington Post copy editor Laura Michalski, who used to be my very smart and patient editor at The Virginian-Pilot, retweeted a CNBC money-saving video that urged diners not to tip on full restaurant tabs - which include a meal tax - but only on the cost of the food and drink.

I figured everyone already did that.

I was wrong.

So my old boss and I had a little Tweet talk over tips.

Laura is not only a terrific editor, she’s a kind person, willing to overtip to compensate for jerks who might have shortchanged her server earlier in the shift.

I’m clearly not.

The New Yorker on the CNBC video explained that there are two easy ways to calculate a 20 percentage tip:

Move the decimal point on your tab and double it.

Or simply double New York City’s 8.87% tax. That comes out to about 18 percent, he said.

That second suggestion works well if you live in an affordable place like New York. Those of us here in high-tax Virginia Beach, however, are slapped with an 11.5% tax every time we eat out. (I failed to check my facts before Tweeting 12%. Sloppy.)

Double the meal tax here and you’ll be tipping 23 percent.

That got me thinking.

On a $100 food and drink tab, like the one Mr. CNBC used, the tax in Virginia Beach will be $11.50 and the total bill will be $111.50. If you calculate a 20 percent tip on the entire amount, you’ll leave your server $22.30.

If you enjoyed that same meal in the Big Apple, your tax would be $8.87. Your total tab would be $108.87 and if you tip on the whole tab you’d leave $21.77.

Should waiters in low-tax cities like New York make less than their counterparts in high-tax places like Virginia Beach?

I don’t think so. But I do wonder just how many folks tip on taxes.

Have I morphed into one of those penny-pinching matrons I waited on so many years ago? Or is a no-tips-on-taxes policy just common sense?

You tell me: