Pandemic Platitudes

Haven’t we suffered enough? It’s been almost two months since this American nightmare began.

Two months of panic.

Two months of shutdowns.

Two months of mathematical models that pogo stick all over the place.

You know what might make this relentless drumbeat of grim news a bit better? If the press stopped using the same hackneyed language to describe every fresh development.

That’s always been the challenge of journalism: How to tell stories in a compelling way, free of cliches, jargon and buzzwords.

Back when newsrooms were filled with crusty editors who didn’t care about hurt feelings, reporters learned this early in their careers.

I once turned in a police brief only to have it tossed back to me. I can’t remember the crime, other than my terrible writing.

Buried in the story I’d typed - yup, on an IBM Selectric - was something like this: “The suspect exited his vehicle.”

“Who talks like this?” the editor growled.

“It’s what the police flack told me,” I protested.

“Our readers prefer English,” he said, handing me back my copy. ”You should brush up on yours.”

Ouch.

I learned quickly that reporters were not supposed to simply parrot the bloviation of bureaucrats. They were expected to breathe life into scripted statements.

Which brings us to today. Every time I pick up a paper or turn on the news, I wonder why so many reporters are regurgitating stilted medical speak or spouting lazy cliches.

New normal, for instance. What editor would ever allow a reporter to use this bland, overused phrase? I did a Google search and found that “new normal” has been used 25.9 million times in conjunction with the word “Covid.”

The Cruel Covid  “New Normal” - Wall Street Journal

We Keep Waiting for the “New Normal.” It May Already Be Here - The Washington Post

“The “New Normal”: Daily Life After Covid-19 - CNN.

What Will The Post-Covid “New Normal” Look Like - Forbes.

How To Build A Post-Covid “New Normal” - Politico

There are millions of other examples. Enough already.

Then there’s granular. Dr. Scarf uses it at every White House Covid briefing and I still can’t figure out what it means.

These uncertain times. Please. So melodramatic.

Social distancing. Bland and awkward.

Flattening the curve, slowing the spread. This is technocrat talk for essentially the same thing. I think.

Comorbidities. Honestly. Why would anyone who’s not an MD use this word? How about simply saying victims had other underlying health problems?

Frontline workers. That paints a picture of, well, nothing. Frontline is the premier maker of flea and tick repellent for dogs. When I hear “frontline workers” I imagine people wearing flea collars. Maybe we could simply call them doctors and nurses.

Here’s an idea: How about we all go back to speaking granular English as a part of the new normal in these uncertain times?