Super Bowl Halftime: Drumlines Not Derrieres

OK, I’m just going to say it. Hate on me - OK, Boomer me - all you like.

Could we PLEASE go back to college marching bands at halftime during the Super Bowl?

At the risk of ruining the biggest game of the year for people who neither like nor understand football and only tune in for the halftime extravaganza, twerking, pole dancing, wardrobe malfunctions, moonwalking and Rihanna have nothing to do with the best sport in the world.

I can hear you now, but but, but Prince!

Yes, the late performer formerly known as Prince was a terrific entertainer. His “Purple Rain” show was supposedly a marvel. I wouldn’t know. Like any real football fan I was in the bathroom and the kitchen for most of the break.

I’m told he also shared the limelight with the A&M Marching Band, so there was that.

I am not saying the crop of Super Bowl entertainers hasn’t been terrific. For the most part, it has. From Michael Jackson to Katy Perry to Beyoncé to Lady Gaga, these have been top-tier performers.

Still, hear me out.

The Super Bowl is usually exciting. The commercials - selling this year for $7 million for 30 seconds - are must-see TV.

Without a boring halftime show when are the real fans supposed to ah, tinkle? Refresh their adult beverages? Grab another plate of wings? 

Let’s be honest. No one really likes marching bands. It’s a bunch of musicians trooping around the field while blasting away on their instruments. They create formations that leave the handful of fans remaining in the stands knitting their brows and muttering “What is THAT supposed to be?”

During early-season games the band members are dripping in sweat. When the weather turns, they’re shivering like a bunch of chihuahuas.

Still, they work hard all year and practice almost as hard as the players. Why shouldn’t the best of them be honored at the biggest game of the year?

That way, if you use halftime to take care of business as real football fans do, you don’t miss much.

Oh, and one more thing. When I do watch the Super Bowl halftime shows with their pyrotechnics and aerial displays I spend all my time wondering how they get the stages assembled and disassembled so quickly and how they get the obilgatory army of backup singers and dancers on and off the field.

It’s too late to expect the NFL to kick it old school and bring back halftime bands. But there was a time when being invited to the Super Bowl was a big deal for college musicians.

Shoot, just ask Grambling State’s band what Super Bowl exposure did for them:

At halftime during the Green Bay Packers’ less than thrilling 35-10 win over the Kansas City Chiefs in Super Bowl I in 1967, the marching band from Grambling State — a historically-black university in Louisiana — teamed up with University of Arizona’s band and played a medley of popular songs, including selections from The Temptations and The Jackson 5.

Grambling State’s musical squad became known as the World Famed Tiger Marching Band, and its six Super Bowl halftime performances remain the most of any band, according to nola.com.

Over the years, the list of school bands grew to include Texas, Michigan, Florida, Florida State and USC, along with some select local high school marching bands. But Grambling State remained the standard, and the band served as inspiration for the film Drumline.

I’m writing this before the game starts on Sunday, so I can imbibe during the game without filling this space with typos. Or more typos than usual.

My hope: Rihanna has the decency to do a G-rated show without crotch grabbing and twerking.

Unlike the dueling derrières kids were subjected to two years ago.