“This looks like East Germany.”
No it doesn't. East Germany looks nicer now.
All in Classic Columns
Cousins: Your First Friends
A girl and a boy in each family, yet we had almost nothing in common. Except DNA, I suppose. And the same destination many Novembers: Our grandmother's house.
Father Knew Best Where To Vacation
It took World War II to get my dad out of New Jersey.
Keep Your Drunken Hands Off My Liver
It's pretty simple to say we should deny livers to lifelong drinkers, and lung transplants to wheezing smokers. But once you take a step down the pathway to playing God, the footing gets pretty treacherous.
In Praise Of Beach Dogs
A good beach dog possesses qualities that simply cannot be taught. They're dogs that can be unleashed on the beach and not ruin anyone's good time.
Don’t Let Spoilsports Rain On Your 4th Of July Parade
A couple of eggheads - including one from Harvard - want you to think twice before flying your flag or taking your kids to a parade.
Stop Me Before I Kill Again
Unaccustomed to life-or-death decisions, I did what seemed right at the moment.
Life With Dad Was Never Boring
Growing up in our house was like buying a ticket on a high-speed crazy train. Sometimes that ride was exhilarating. At other times, it was frightening.
Graduation Platitudes
What you see before you is living proof that C students really can land paying jobs and earn enough to eventually move out of the parental homestead.
Mom's Night Out
Since we didn’t know “the girls,” I imagined them to be a bunch of peroxide blondes who drank too much and danced with strange men. Every year, I worried that my mother would find the girls more exciting than our family and leave us to enter a childless world of smoky nightclubs and seductive music.
Goat Cheese Is Heinous. Don’t Argue With Me.
Goat cheese tastes exactly like "Wilford Brimley's navel.”
Doggie Dental Care. It Ain’t Cheap.
The only way to really relax a miniature poodle is by backing over it with the family station wagon. I don't recommend that. Neither do I recommend brushing the teeth of a nervous dog.
I Don’t Train Dogs. They Train Me.
My family loved dogs - big ones - but never followed through on training. Oh, sure, we'd give it a shot for a day or two. Until we ran out of Snausages. Or patience.
Caught Being Honest: A Mom And Her Pint-Sized Kid
Knock a year off a kid's age at a movie theater, and you've taught your child that dishonesty is excusable if it saves you a few bucks.
I Want To Look Like A Realtor
When the blog bosses demanded a new portrait, I agreed. On one condition: They wouldn't toss me to the newspaper's photo department.
"I wanna go to the mall," I wailed. "To one of those glitzy studios."
Definition Of Terror: Riding Shotgun With A 15-Year-Old
For those of you who have never taught a teenager to drive, words cannot convey the icy sensation that envelops you as trees, cars and pedestrians appear in the road and all you can do is slam your foot uselessly into the floor mat. And scream.
I Feel Bad About My House. Thanks HGTV.
A bout of car problems in February introduced me to a must-have called “subway tile,” rectangular ceramic that is necessary to replace all those squares so common in the 1950s.
Does subway tile also come with buskers and beggars? Asking for a friend.
It Has To Be One Strike, You're Gone For Those Here Illegally
It was bad enough that Ramos was in the U.S. illegally. Worse was news that he'd been arrested earlier and never asked about his immigration status.
The inconvenient truth is that if Ramos had been unceremoniously tossed out of the country after his first brush with American law enforcement Tessa and Ali would still be alive.
No, Southerners Can't Drive In Snow
So, if you've been living in the South for even a few winters, your snow legs are back in Buffalo or Boston. And your driving is as Southern as sweet tea.
Congratulations. Looks like you may not be the best driver in town. In fact, you may be part of the problem.