HE SAID, SHE SAID: What Is It With Men And Gadgets?

He Said/She Said

A version of this appeared in The Virginian-Pilot on July 16, 1995

DAVE SAYS:

Technology was testing my patience today, Kerry.

Over lunch, I was reading a magazine essay on the deep meaning of breakthroughs in electronic wrist watches.

Stay with me, kid, it's a lot steamier than it sounds.

Buried in a long list of post-Dick Tracy gadgetry was a reference to a prototype “matchmaker” watch that's being tested somewhere.

It would work like this, so the story said: You program your vital stats into the watch, along with your likes and dislikes. As you move through your day, the little gadget scans signals coming from other people's watches.

It starts beeping or glowing or buzzing when a “suitable romantic interest” saunters by.

I've been monogamous a long time, Kerry. Dating sure has changed.

Used to be you made contact with a smile in an elevator, progressed to a drink after work, and then set about the business of discovering that the two of you had nothing in common and probably would hate each other in a couple of weeks.

The unraveling of all those truths, though, was half the fun.

Anyway, I couldn't enjoy the article because I had to answer my phone every five minutes because some techno-klutz somewhere in the universe was trying to send a fax to my voice number. The fax machine had been computer-programmed to dial every five minutes until the message got through.

My voice mail was loaded up with messages, too. Each was the same: “Beep. . . beep. . . tweet.” They made about as much sense as most of the calls I get.

Which proves that the “matchmaker” watch won't work. If most of us can't tell a fax number from a voice number, are we really ready to download our deepest secrets into a wristwatch and have them broadcast on a low-frequency radio wave to every other wrist in the building?

I don't know about you, Kerry, but I'm not ready for the day when I glance at my watch and see this:

”DWF, 39, a full-figured non-smoker with 3 kids and a mild depilatory condition, is departing the elevator in the mezzanine and would like to take a long walk on the beach with you. The time is 10:53 a.m.”

Maybe I'm getting too old, Kerry, but I'd rather not have my Seiko start something that my libido is in no condition to finish.

KERRY SAYS:

Dave, the fact that you were hunched over your lunch reading an article on the breakthroughs in electronic watches is a sign that you are a deeply disturbed man.

Electronic watches? What's next, a fascinating essay on digital pagers?

This may come as a surprise, Dave, but just because some wacked-out wonk has dreamed up something doesn't mean you have to get one - or waste your lunch hour reading about it.

Let's face it, even the best matchmaking watch is probably gonna get you nothing more than the same “buzz off, buster” you got using your own personal babe radar in bars before you met Kay.

But if these watches turn up in the Sharper Image Christmas catalog with a $1,200 price tag they'll no doubt sell out to guys who can't stand the thought of some gizmo on the market they don't own.

I'll never understand the male fascination with gadgets. Just think of the bazillions of 8-track tape players, CB radios and Beta video machines in the attics of men who'd thought they'd found the perfect new toy.

Joining those electronic dinosaurs soon will be video recorders the size of oil tankers, like the one we were suckered into buying seven years ago when our first child was born.

No doubt the $2,000 computer/paperweight we finally bought in January will be rendered obsolete in about 12 months, too.

I hate to turn this into a male-female thing, Dave, but I do think women are much more circumspect about the electronic junk they buy.

I love my coffeemaker with a timer, so I can come downstairs every morning to the aroma of hot java.

But my other most-prized possession is a pink Royal “Quiet Deluxe” typewriter, circa 1952, which sadly got bumped off my desk when the high-tech computer arrived.

So far I've been able to get the computer to do precious little more than my good old Royal did.

Here are a few of the devices I happily live without: an electric can opener, an electric juicer, a power lawnmower and an electric alarm clock.

And Dave, that basic black Timex on my wrist - $8 at K-mart - does what it's meant to do quite nicely: It gives me the time of day without encouraging me to make time with someone across the room.